ONE YEAR LATER

One year ago today I was sitting in the doctor's office listening to him explain the consequences of a dislocated knee cap. Any dancer realises that an injury will change our lives, at least for a little while. I had no idea that day how drastically my life would change as a result. I can remember hobbling into the studio on crutches and seeing the expressions on the faces of the staff at MCPA watching them go from shock to horror back to shock and then pure panic! Realising they had to re-cast a show as a result. Feeling at that point that not only had I done myself in, but also was bringing everyone else down with me. And everywhere I turned around having people give my sympathetic regards. I hate when people are overly sympathetic. I was up to my eye balls in sympathy for months, and I'm still dealing with it. At the time I can remember being mad at myself. Now I know I can't control when my body starts to give out on me, but I was so frustrated. I hate watching dance classes. The worst thing you can do to a dancer is make them watch a class. It is pure torture. For the next four months all I did was watch dance classes. I was so unhappy. I began hating going to the studio. I hated to see the other girls dripping in sweat after a great class. I hated knowing that that would not be me again. Closing the door on a chapter of your life is never easy but when it comes as a surprise it is beyond difficult.

I still have questions. Why me? that one comes up a lot. I believe I do know the answer. But that doesn't stop my heart and my head from going back to it from time to time. I will always wonder if I would have "made it". Or would I have come home, head down and tail between my legs ashamed having not? At least I would have known. If I had taken one last class that day, would my body have lasted longer? Probably not, but who knows. If I had been that much more careful about my technique, would that have helped?

I firmly believe this was God's plan for me. And I know He's got me under His control, I don't need to worry about it. And when I was over thinking this, I came to this conclusion, that I don't believe the answers to these questions are out there. God has one plan for my life. One. I don't need to spend time contemplating the shoulda, coulda, woulda's of it all. He has got it all figured out. Time spent on that equals money wasted on Advil. Why give myself a headache over something I don't want to change.

That's right, something I don't want to change this situation. Now I could handle to get rid of the constant physical pain that I live my life with everyday, a daily reminder and side effect, but I wouldn't give anything to go from where I am today to where I was then. God has taken my life flipped it upside down and inside out and I am finding more satisfaction in Him than I have ever found in a day at the studio. I would never trade the lessons I have learned for any amount of time spent dancing. Ironically though I do miss blister competitions...LOL

THANK-YOU BOYS

This is just a short note to thank Luke, Matt, and Greg for their hard labour on Sunday afternoon. The couch and chair fit very nicely into the apartment. Perfectly to be exact. Thanks for giving your time and "guns" to move it in for me! I really appreciate it. And Luke, please thank your folks for me. This is so good of them. I really can't thank them enough! Here is an invitation for a party on the roof...

THE SADDEST THING I HAVE EVER READ!!!!

During Down Syndrome Awareness Week 2006 personal stories about and by a family who have two children with Down syndrome were published in newspapers. Referring to one of the articles we received a comment from a reader who expressed his views on the article.

Hi, I am writing about the article featured in the Saturday paper regarding the parents of 2 down syndrome little girls. To tell you the truth I would not want to be in those parent's shoes. My wife and I terminated two pregnancies once we found out our babies were going to be downs. There was no way we were going to bring special need babies into our family. Those parents in the paper say they are happy however deep inside I am sure they are struggling emotionally. They are not blind. Obviously they have not been around normal babies. With all the resources available nowadays to find out early about the genetics and gender of the baby, why would anybody put themselves thru this kind of life. Just wanted to share my views on this subject.

This is the saddest thing I have ever read. My mom sent it to me today. I cried as I read it, and have tears in my eyes as I read it now again. This one hits a little too close to home. I feel hurt and angry. I feel personally assaulted, offended. This makes me want to scream and yell and to act irrationally. I feel so frustrated! How can anyone think like that? I am deeply insulted. I can't think straight. My mind is going 100 miles an hour but nothing is being accomplished. I can't get my thoughts in order. I hate how wrong he is. How selfish he is. How mislead he is. I feel attacked. I feel disheartened. I feel maddened. I feel heartbroken. I feel discouraged.

Have the efforts put forth by those in the past been fruitless? Have we gone one step forward, three steps back? Will the barriers of misconception ever be brought down? Matthew has your perseverance been in vain?

Matthew, please know, I love you. Our whole family loves you. More people than we can count love you. We would never trade you for the world let alone exchange you for nothing. Matt, we struggle more when you are not around than when you are. We need you Matt. And please don't flatter yourself, your "needs" are no more "special" than those of anyone else. Matt I want to protect you from people like that. But I won't, you don't need my protection. You are inner strength personified. I aspire to one day have the work ethic, compassion for others and to take pleasure in the small things the way you do. You inspire without even knowing it. Never give up or give in (not that you would consider doing either). Swim fast. Never be anyone else but yourself, you are responsible for a small part of each of us and our family would not be the same without you. Never change, I...we want you just the way you are.

More than anything I feel sorry for the author of the above article. He has no idea of what he is missing in his life, twice over! I think though, that my mom put it best. The following is the final paragraph to her responce to the above letter. (if you would like to read the whole thing let me know)

You know JOHN, we have brought five children into this world and each of them has and will continue to have "special needs". There is no such thing as a "perfect child". It is unlikely that our son with Down syndrome grows up to be Prime Minister of this country, but it is also unlikely any of our other children will either. He will not get paid the salary of a school teacher, but he will spend his entire life teaching and showing those around him what can be accomplished through hard work. Already he has changed lives and he will continue to do so. "Why would anybody put themselves thru this kind of life"? Because it is not a burden, it has been and is a gift. We are so much the richer for it! And as I write this letter JOHN, I grieve for you, as it is a gift you will now never know.

I could not agree more!

THE SADDEST THING I HAVE EVER READ!!!!

During Down Syndrome Awareness Week 2006 personal stories about and by a family who have two children with Down syndrome were published in newspapers. Referring to one of the articles we received a comment from a reader who expressed his views on the article.

Hi, I am writing about the article featured in the Saturday paper regarding the parents of 2 down syndrome little girls. To tell you the truth I would not want to be in those parent's shoes. My wife and I terminated two pregnancies once we found out our babies were going to be downs. There was no way we were going to bring special need babies into our family. Those parents in the paper say they are happy however deep inside I am sure they are struggling emotionally. They are not blind. Obviously they have not been around normal babies. With all the resources available nowadays to find out early about the genetics and gender of the baby, why would anybody put themselves thru this kind of life. Just wanted to share my views on this subject.

This is the saddest thing I have ever read. My mom sent it to me today. I cried as I read it, and have tears in my eyes as I read it now again. This one hits a little too close to home. I feel hurt and angry. I feel personally assaulted, offended. This makes me want to scream and yell and to act irrationally. I feel so frustrated! How can anyone think like that? I am deeply insulted. I can't think straight. My mind is going 100 miles an hour but nothing is being accomplished. I can't get my thoughts in order. I hate how wrong he is. How selfish he is. How mislead he is. I feel attacked. I feel disheartened. I feel maddened. I feel heartbroken. I feel discouraged.

Have the efforts put forth by those in the past been fruitless? Have we gone one step forward, three steps back? Will the barriers of misconception ever be brought down? Matthew has your perseverance been in vain?

Matthew, please know, I love you. Our whole family loves you. More people than we can count love you. We would never trade you

TO PREACH OR TO SEND...

(13) for, "Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved."(14) How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? (15) And how can they preach unless they are sent? As it is written, "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!"
Romans 10:13-15

I'm between a rock and a hard place. Both options breed Godly outcomes. Both with appeal. Both life changing. Both promise adventure, challenge, and excitement. Both will contain laughter and tears, joy and sorrow, victory and defeat. Both with lasting consequences...Good and bad. Both tug at my heart, pulling it in two very different directions. Both will see students won for Christ, built into, and sent out to fulfill the great commission. Both will see God glorified. Both will see God Praised. Both will see God honored. Both will be used by God. One is in His will.