ONE YEAR LATER

One year ago today I was sitting in the doctor's office listening to him explain the consequences of a dislocated knee cap. Any dancer realises that an injury will change our lives, at least for a little while. I had no idea that day how drastically my life would change as a result. I can remember hobbling into the studio on crutches and seeing the expressions on the faces of the staff at MCPA watching them go from shock to horror back to shock and then pure panic! Realising they had to re-cast a show as a result. Feeling at that point that not only had I done myself in, but also was bringing everyone else down with me. And everywhere I turned around having people give my sympathetic regards. I hate when people are overly sympathetic. I was up to my eye balls in sympathy for months, and I'm still dealing with it. At the time I can remember being mad at myself. Now I know I can't control when my body starts to give out on me, but I was so frustrated. I hate watching dance classes. The worst thing you can do to a dancer is make them watch a class. It is pure torture. For the next four months all I did was watch dance classes. I was so unhappy. I began hating going to the studio. I hated to see the other girls dripping in sweat after a great class. I hated knowing that that would not be me again. Closing the door on a chapter of your life is never easy but when it comes as a surprise it is beyond difficult.

I still have questions. Why me? that one comes up a lot. I believe I do know the answer. But that doesn't stop my heart and my head from going back to it from time to time. I will always wonder if I would have "made it". Or would I have come home, head down and tail between my legs ashamed having not? At least I would have known. If I had taken one last class that day, would my body have lasted longer? Probably not, but who knows. If I had been that much more careful about my technique, would that have helped?

I firmly believe this was God's plan for me. And I know He's got me under His control, I don't need to worry about it. And when I was over thinking this, I came to this conclusion, that I don't believe the answers to these questions are out there. God has one plan for my life. One. I don't need to spend time contemplating the shoulda, coulda, woulda's of it all. He has got it all figured out. Time spent on that equals money wasted on Advil. Why give myself a headache over something I don't want to change.

That's right, something I don't want to change this situation. Now I could handle to get rid of the constant physical pain that I live my life with everyday, a daily reminder and side effect, but I wouldn't give anything to go from where I am today to where I was then. God has taken my life flipped it upside down and inside out and I am finding more satisfaction in Him than I have ever found in a day at the studio. I would never trade the lessons I have learned for any amount of time spent dancing. Ironically though I do miss blister competitions...LOL