THE "F" BOMB

OTHER

Or maybe more appropriately the^F bomb. The F bomb dictates if I can sleep or if I can stay awake. It has total control over what I can and can't eat and if I will or will not feel sick when doing so. It determines if I will have knee pain/back aches/headaches. The F bomb is deeply effected by change is temperature, change in diet, change in bed, change in activity level, and change in weather. The F bomb deeply affects all areas of my life, it has a hand in how I am doing physically, emotionally, and spiritually. The F bomb is my constant companion, goes everywhere I go and 99.9% of the time shows up uninvited.

The F bomb doesn't just effect me, it effects everyone I get close to. My team here in Panama, and my friends and family in Canada, have to deal with the F bomb everyday right along beside me. When the F bomb is getting me physically they massage my legs or back, make hot water bottles, carry my stuff, run errands, make tea...When the physical makes a move on my emotions they comfort me, let me vent, hold my hand, make me laugh...when the emotions start to effect me spiritually they pray like crazy.

This week the F bomb has made me house bound. I can count the number of times I have left the apartment on one hand. I am going stir crazy and shack wacky. I have had tears of boredom, frustration, pain, exhaustion, fear and loneliness. Tonight I have had just about enough.

I don't like to be treated differently. I don't like to make a big deal out of it. I don't like to be showered with sympathy. I don't like explaining myself millions and millions of times. I don't like to sit on the sidelines watching so many times when I am unable to participate. I don't like the possibility that I might not accomplish all my goals and dreams because my body can't take it. And I especially don't like to be told that this chronic, life long condition is going to be gone by the time I leave Panama, and that maybe I haven't prayed enough about it, or maybe it is still around cause my faith is lacking, or maybe I really haven't surrendered it to God. As if those are the only possibilities for why I have a lifetime long condition and the person next door doesn't. I never asked for this.

But...

I have stopped asking God to take it away. Don't get me wrong, I believe God can, I have surrendered it to Him, and not a day goes by when I am praying that I don't PRAISE Him for it. Yes, I praise Him for the F bomb. When I get out of bed in the morning and am able to walk without pain, or when I swim laps and am able to push myself, or when eat a meal that doesn't make me feel sick, or when I have aches and pains that go away without meds, or when it keeps me up multiple nights in a row and I can still function, I know that it is God's strength and not mine. There is not one day that goes by when I am not reminded of who is in control and who carries me through each day. There is not a day that goes by that I can do on my own strength and I would rather spend my life married to the F bomb than forget who shows their strength in my weakness.

For those who are curious about what exactly is the F bomb is more commonly known as Fibromyalgia, I am not in anyway referring to the more socially common use of the term.